I can remember the color of her eyes -
Like a meadow under a stormy sky -
And I can remember looking into them,
Getting more lost every day.
I can remember the wire-rimmed glasses she wore
And also the contacts she replaced them with
To look more beautiful -
Even though I thought she was beautiful anyway.
Her voice was high and soft;
And I grew fond of the constellation of freckles
Across the bridge of her nose.
Then there were her lips -
Lips that teased a part of myself I hadn’t yet found.
I fell for the way she’d smile to brighten someone’s day
Even when the light in hers was extinguished.
I can remember when she left…
How everything was suddenly too dark -
Taking me back to when I was little,
Terrified of being alone in an abyss of black -
And I can remember the feeling of my veins collapsing
While shards of my heart embedded in my lungs,
Making every breath without her piercing and painful.
I can remember the day light found me again -
A speck at first, later the sun of my own solar system -
And suddenly I was lost in another’s eyes;
And I can remember when I began craving the color of an arctic sea
Far more than that of a cloudy meadow.
My mom would have really liked your mom, I think, and that makes me so sad.
I’m trying really hard not to feel overwhelmingly sad and disappointed that I wasn’t walking and graduating with all the people I entered high school with. I let depression take over my life in my Freshman year and that has to be one of the stupidest, most detrimental things I’ve ever done. I remember the first day, when we all met in the gym and link crew welcomed us to high school and I just wish I could’ve experienced the last day together to finalize things; but I know I don’t deserve that after the decisions I’ve made. I feel like saying sorry, but I’m not sure who I’m addressing. Maybe my mom because she wanted so badly to see me walk at graduation and now, for multiple reasons, she’ll never get to. Or maybe I want to apologize to myself for being such a fuck up when I could easily have done well. Or maybe it’s to all the people I met for taking the easy way out and dropping off the face of the planet while they had to work their asses off. I don’t know. If I was selfless enough, I would be happy for all of them; but all I feel is guilt, regret and sadness, and I can’t ignore it for the life of me.
Oh my goodness, this just made my day! Thank you so much (: