My mom would have really liked your mom, I think, and that makes me so sad.
I’m trying really hard not to feel overwhelmingly sad and disappointed that I wasn’t walking and graduating with all the people I entered high school with. I let depression take over my life in my Freshman year and that has to be one of the stupidest, most detrimental things I’ve ever done. I remember the first day, when we all met in the gym and link crew welcomed us to high school and I just wish I could’ve experienced the last day together to finalize things; but I know I don’t deserve that after the decisions I’ve made. I feel like saying sorry, but I’m not sure who I’m addressing. Maybe my mom because she wanted so badly to see me walk at graduation and now, for multiple reasons, she’ll never get to. Or maybe I want to apologize to myself for being such a fuck up when I could easily have done well. Or maybe it’s to all the people I met for taking the easy way out and dropping off the face of the planet while they had to work their asses off. I don’t know. If I was selfless enough, I would be happy for all of them; but all I feel is guilt, regret and sadness, and I can’t ignore it for the life of me.
Oh my goodness, this just made my day! Thank you so much (:
The important conversations always seem to be after three in the morning, when tired minds let their guard down and whispers carry the heavy words that need to be heard.
Here I am, drinking at 7:30 in the morning because I haven’t slept all night. Here I am, thinking about you and all the time we spent together. Here I am, wishing we could be as close as we were, even if I know we never will be; our differences are too strong and our mindsets are too stubborn. Here I am, crying silently so I don’t wake my friend beside me. Here I am, wondering where it all went wrong and realizing how stupid I was to believe it would work out on its own. Here I am, wanting to apologize for all the pain I’ve caused you - all the agonizing nights, stressful arguments and time-consuming problems - but not being able to do so because I can’t change who I am…even if it would fix everything. Here I am, trying so hard to accept myself after what you’ve said and accused me of. Here I am, feeling overwhelming nostalgia for a time when you saw me as perfection - when you didn’t mind my flaws or mistakes and you took me for what I was. Here I am, longing for a certain resolution that will never come; and here I am, beating myself up over the inevitability of life.